OK:

    I don’t know how to put this into good words, maybe you’ll get what i’m saying and totally good if not. 

I’m wondering if any of the things you’d imagine you wanted when dying have changed now that it maybe feels closer? Or does it feel like most those things are still what you want? I think one of my fears about writing out everything I want is that I wouldn’t know what I want until it’s actually time to be making those choices, or that I’d change my mind when realities feel different. Not sure if this makes sense.

 

MK:

    I think it does. My answer to your q is gonna be a little long and windy. But also I'm wondering if you're ask more AD type wants or general what can your people do for you/ what seems like a good death you want? I think there is some nuance there

 

OK:

    More general what can people do for you and what is the death (or the best death?) you want. Also if your perspective on like what you want timelines to look like? 

 

———

Okay I will say first, it’s scary as fuck feeling it get closer. And I am still filling out some forms (which I know isn’t what you are asking about) and going “oh god, is this really what I want? I don’t want any of it, I don’t want to die” etc. But I think having some of that stuff written out is good precisely because of that impulse as stuff comes closer. Some of that fear and second guessing has gotta be bullshit right? Of course you don’t want any of this, you don’t wanna fucking die. Not now, not here, not so young, not from this. You wanna be doing all that stuff you had planned for yourself. And so maybe those fears get in the way of you taking care of yourself in the moment even though it’s best for you. I’m sorry and if anything is unclear ask away because I can’t help but cry as I write this and lose my track.

 

And no of course I don’t know what the best death is going to look like for me, but I know the things I love and appreciate now. How can I incorporate as much of that into my experience as possible? And some of that won’t be feasible, maybe ever but maybe because of my specific circumstances. If I start choking and can’t stop, that’s it and then where are my plans. I guess that isn’t helpful, but I just mean of course we can’t predict what theres going to be time and space for.

 

I want to be at home. If I can’t be in my bed I want to be in my bedroom. I want someone by my side. I want to be able to pet my cats if they’ll let me. I want to be able to have a cup of fucking juice or port or some other shit you can’t get at the hospital if I so feel like it. I want to be responsible for my own bathroom stuff but we all know we never get to really choose which of the abilities we get to keep at the end. I want people to read to me, or sit and hold my hand, or lay sideways next to me in a cuddle. I want to listen to music, to smell a nice candle, to draw a small picture with a friend. I want to do as many of those little things with as many of the people as long as I can. I want my friends to come and visit me, even if I am in diapers and my bed. I want them to see me and tell me stories. I want some fucking flowers while I’m still conscious and can smell them. I just think of things that sound fucking lovely and that is what I want, as much as I can have for as long as I can have. And when I’m tired or maybe grumpy, I can kick them out except for a favorite and watch some fucking survivor lol.

 

The stuff I find myself second guessing is like, oh god, I’m gonna die in one of my pairs of stretchy shorts. Maybe tonight after this actually I’ll go throw out my rattiest underwear I hate so I can’t be caught FUCKING DEAD in it, you know! I don’t think it can count as a doubt, but I’m sad I didn’t go more places the last few months? I thought I was going to improve and then I could go but instead I’ve been crashing. And I wish I knew that, but you don’t get to so that’s not fair to say.