Scary Maybe
by Melissa Klocke
Brushing teeth, dark stain on tongue “at first I didn’t know what it was” brush tongue
Goes to school, talking to friend “it was really weird” “I’ve hear that when you sleep, spiders and centipedes will crawl into your throat and get crushed” “gross, no way!” “I swear!”
Looks in mirror at night before going to sleep, tongue is pink
Checks tongue in morning, pink
Who is the bad guy, what’s the deal
Night time in Tajimi. After 8, most of the traffic has dissipated, pedestrians have made their ways home. It is quiet. Walking back from the train station, the second most likely place I am coming back from, I get to slowly melt into the night. Leaving the fluorescent lights of the train, making my way out to the yellow tinted lanterns on the streets by the river. Crossing the bridge is the first mark. As I cross it I can start to see the stars overhead. I see the bats over the river. I see the speckles of light reflecting off the surface of the shallow river below. After the river, and the last of the restaurants, I begin the climb. Up the hill to my apartment, up the stairs to my room. To my left, I can see the mountain basin that Tajimi lies in outlined, backlit by the light pollution from Nagoya. But it doesn’t bleed into the basin too much, because I can still see many stars up over head. On the hill I am usually alone, save for a late night runner or dog walker. Just me, the crickets and the click click clicking of my bike tires as I walk it up. I prefer to walk. There is still the resistance of going up while my bags pull me back, but I am still able to relax. Breathe a little and let the little frustrations and anxieties drip out of my finger tips. The energy of going always up and the cool blanket of the stars above me let me ease out of my tensions as if I am shedding a too tight sweater. To the east, the mountain silhouettes are darker, with no large sitting behind shedding its light on them. From my balcony, the breeze is perfect on the hot summer night, and I can see all around the basin of my city from up on top of my hill, like a cat nestled up in a tree. This is a feeling I will miss.
I am getting closer and closer to going home and I am finding myself getting itchier and itchier to be doing the next thing. At the same time, I feel more and more like I want to make sure that next thing is really adding something to the world. Maybe I am reading too much science fiction, maybe I have been away from the reality of science related school and work for too long, but I can’t help but feeling overwhelmed at both how many people there are in the world and how many people can’t (economically, socially, academically, what have you) or won’t (just don’t want to? Plan on doing it tomorrow…) work to preserve the things we have (resources, species diversity, air quality, etc) and further our progression to improving how we deal with this junk.
Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge consumer of all kinds of things. Books, movies, tasty foods, I have a few more pairs of shoes than I really need. But I want to be making something. And not just a physical thing. I want to make something intellectual. I want to make something emotional. I want to make something both art and science.
I don’t think it is entirely a meaningless trend that many of the things I have been enjoying and consuming this year are space related. Even though I had a number of shows to watch, I wanted to watch the sci fi shows over and over. Even though I have so many genres I enjoy, again sci fi books pulled me in. There is so much to be learned and still explored in science. Here I am running around for three weeks with no home feeling like I am traveling great distances when in face the Earth itself is so small. God there is just so much stuff. So much information. So many cultures. So much to know. Anyone older than me would be sure to get a knowing smirk on their face if I told them about how I felt. That I am starting to truly feel the limitations of my time here and the stuff I can do. Well, maybe not truly, but at least a little bit!
It is funny that I will happily drink a sugary coffee drink if someone else has prepared it for me but I hate to put the sugar in myself. I think that is an important note to make about how I feel about many of the things around me. I hate to think of the conditions of the places and people and resources that go into making my nice clothes, but man do I like to have new, cute, nice clothes… But I think part of this next phase of my life has to address that. It is easy to put out of mind the things we don’t see in front of us. That doesn’t mean they aren’t happening. If I can rejoice when NASA sends experimental apparatus out to Pluto for research without being able to see the actual thing itself, I should be able to recognize the realness of the great amphibian fungal pandemic or the horrific slave conditions of the people who make… everything I use.
I have privilege and I need to work not to give up my comforts, but to make sure other people also have them. That does mean I have to give up a little.
Wakkanai just feels so much better than Furano to me. Yikes I was not happy therrre. Really having a car would have improved the situation. There were good things, but it felt so so so consumer driven. Right when that is starting to bug me the most.
I wonder if there will be anyone else in my room tonight. So far it seems rather dead, and I am not sure when the last train brings people in. It would be nice to be alone though (it is a Sunday). Maybe I could run out and get some batteries…
What comes next? I am probably hitting a point where a conversation with anyone would be a really good idea. And not the fluff getting to know you conversations (especially the ones that lead to me getting squicked out) but just a real-ish conversation about SOMETHING).
I suppose the solitude is what is driving me to write so much now though. Would I be more honest talking to someone or writing here and now?
Tomorrow I catch the crazy early ferry to Rishiri island and climb around!! Then the next day I will do a small bike tour I think. I could totally bike to the northern most point. I should. Then Wednesday I can pack up again and head back to Sapporo. I need to find out where I will beeee those nights.
The sound of the cicadas.
The sound of the trains.
Reading porn to Jemina on the train while tipsy with Liza passed out on the chairs across from us.
Listening to “I just had sex” by Lonely Island in the luxury van in Vietnam.
Sitting in the bath in the winter, happy and comfortable.
Sitting in the bath in the winter, cold and crying.
Showing up late for work, no one said anything.
Showing up early for work, no one said anything.
Sweat. More sweat than I have ever experienced. Drenched clothes, drenched backpacks, stains all down my back.
More independence than I have had in my whole life.
Numerous appointments and phone calls done all by myself in Japanese.
Making friends, talking about interesting things in Japanese.
Playing with that little round cat in Onomichi.
Getting comfortable in my own skin.
Feeling the start to an understanding that my time is finite and I should start something despite my fears of starting the wrong thing.
Tough questions from students.
Kind words from students.
Laughing with students and reminding them that I am a teacher still when they ask me about beer.
Sleeping on futon on tatami.
Sleeping under piles and piles of blankets in winter with a hot water bottle heater.
Watching Nobunaga Concerto on tv.
Having a bit of a failure of a Halloween party with teachers. Me, Hanae-sensei and Maruyama-sensei ate snacks and watched a nurse drama on tv.
Biking 70 km across ocean bridges.
Coordinating all of my trips by myself and succeeding.
Teaching physics and why the sky is blue and having fun.
Realizing that, again, no one is coming to English lunch.
Crying at the Principal’s speech about me at the closing ceremony. Partly because of embarrassment and partly because I was so amazed at the kind words he said to me.
Eating Mos Burger with Yukari and Sakiko sensei the first day.
Listening to Sakiko sensei talk about her boyfriend. He is the Bakemono from Bakemono no ko.
Playing arcade games with Helen, I am terrible. She wins the prizes for me.
Masturbating more that I ever have in my whole life. Getting myself off. Feeling powerful. And a little lonely.
Dreams about coworkers. I pretend not to be awkward.
Getting drunk at Liza’s Cool Kids party and telling Adrian “you don’t have to be a lesbian to like women” when he tells me he always thought I was a lesbian. Of course this could have sounded like “Yodunhatah bealesbin talykwomn.”
Feeling proud the next day.
Knowing more about myself. Taking the time to learn it.
Wasting time.
Using time.
Admiring Amineh for being so in charge of her needs.
Missing Stephen so badly I can’t sleep.
Okey dokey and Kapeesh.
So many hotel toothbrushes from Jemina.
Vomiting in her toilet.
Vomiting in Tammy’s toilet.
Crying on the train in Vietnam so badly my hands go numb. Tammy holding me and crying too.
Talking sex toys on the cruise ship.
Tom’s voice and its affect on ladies.
Salty toothpaste.
Merit shampoo.
Grapefruit dish soap.
Tatami.
Sharing food with Yokote-san. Nikujaga, taco rice.
Hearing Tanaka sensei’s Kamikiri mushi stories. Him holding one up to my face the first time I met him.
Playing with Kota and Sumire, Iwamoto sensei’s kids at Little World and the Fossil Park and the cooking party at my apartment.
All of the different places I slept. Always feeling like I had a place to be.
Ramen with Adam, talking studying Japanese and playing video games.
Wishing I talked to more people.
Being satisfied with my relationships with people, my effect on them and their affects on me.
Singing karaoke. Feeling so awkward until I get comfortable singing in front of people. My go to is Valerie by Amy Winehouse.
David’s amazing screamo karaoke.
Amineh’s amazing 90’s jams.
Liza’s musicals and random assortment of songs.
Talking with Liza on drives.
The mountain roads.
Stephen here for winter. Snuggling. Eating. Getting sick. Sex. Really really crazy space exploding sex in Shirakawa-go.
Getting pissed at Deren for being shitty when he found out I am “already” married.
Being happy that Deren is also a physicist. Being nervous around him as if he’ll find out I am not a good physicist.
Falling in love with comics.
Falling in love with space.
Wanting to do more.
Wanting to make a change, even though it is super cheesy to say.
Wanting to be home with Stephen on the patio and Asia mewling.
Wanting to be on the porch in Tajimi at night, with the quiet and the stars.
Love. Loving myself. Loving people. Loving what I have done and where I have been.
Having a smelly spongebob towel after not being able to wash it for a week and having to put it (wet) in my suitcase every morning.
This isn’t everything, but my brain has run out.
Thank you.
This year has been so much to me.
I have never felt so in charge and capable and great.
I can do a lot if I try.
I will try.
Hi, I am Melissa and I have a unique background that is a mixture of science, art, language and education. Creative thinking, strategic questioning, objective observation. Asking how something can be improved, including my own skills and abilities.
I earned my B.A. in physics, with a minor in Japanese, at Lawrence University in 2012. At Lawrence, I began building my critical thinking skills, in a way that was influenced by the scientific theory/system/what. I learned how to ask the right/focused/directed/productive questions, observe events objectively and draw fuckkks.
During my time on the Japan Exchange and Teaching (JET) program from 2014-2015 I strengthened both my flexibility in adjusting to a new culture and language as well as my ability to accomplish specific and step-wise goals to get through my work day efficiently. Furthering my understanding of the Japanese language while I was there is not only beneficial in and of itself, but also shows my ability to absorb and make use of a different way of thinking.
My various tutoring and teaching experiences, with the JET Program, as an SAT Prep Course teacher for the Princeton Review, and during my college years, has lead me to being able to succinctly and clearly convey information and understand how to adjust to complement my students’ needs.
My passion for art means that not only do I strive to convey information in a clear manner, but I also aim to present it in an attractive and approachable manner. I put the extra time into power point presentations and papers to make sure figures and images complement the material and are clean and easy to understand.